dance with the wind

These days I have been 'dancing with the wind!' By that I mean striving very very hard to get through and put forth my best effort in my graduate studies which is like a wind in my life blowing everyday. Everyone in my classes are feeling the strain and stress and just 4 more weeks to go. The month of April was indeed intense - 2 facilitation/collaborative projects, 5+ papers to write, 15+ readings on education theories, CBO service learning and 2 late-night study groups with classmates! I just submitted a 10-page activity plan paper today and didn't get to sleep until 3:00am last night. And, I made it to my classes that ran from 12:30pm-7:00pm today.

Throughout this first semester I have one personal goal that means a great deal to me: It is to strengthen my WRITING. I have to admit academic writing isn't my strongest suit. It takes a lot of pain and struggle for me to write papers. People would say that well you know English so you must know how to write. Actually, it is not the same. Writing is a skill that takes practice to improve and perfect, just like cooking or riding a bike. Formal academic writing in Social Science and Humanities Disciplines require code-switching in how language is used. Just because one can speak a language doesn't mean one can automatically write well. Having been out of school since 2001, my formal academic writing has become rusty since it didn't have to be utilized at all in my daily life.

I struggled with writing my papers in February. It was difficult and I actually lowered my expectation to NOT aim for an 'A'. Instead, I wanted to focus on improving my writing. But, nothing really changed. I would write and write and subconsciously I really aimed for the 'A.' Because when I received my papers back from the professors, I wasn't happy. And, I started giving myself more time to prepare for a paper. If a paper was due in 2 weeks, I would start already. However, I would still sit at my computer with a blank screen staring back at me. Sometimes the stress was so great that I ended up working on the paper up until the night before the paper was due. So, I was pulling in lots of all-nighters. So, my problem was a big one when it comes to writing. And, what's ironic is that my classmates ask me for writing tips and advice when I feel I haven't quite grasp the writing down myself.

Then, things took a turn by April. I learn to release the stress and anxiety associated with academic writing. A key educational theory I read by Dr. Claude Steele states that 'stereotype threat' hinders students when they take a test or are compared to others. This 'stereotype threat' is subconscious and has to do with how others perceive us and how that perception affects how we view ourselves and thus our behavior. I really explored this in-depth within myself. I have always been stereotyped as the 'smart kid' or 'an 'exotic female' because others perceive Asians especially a Chinese female in a binary either possessing 'smartness' or 'brain-less, exotic 'chick'. Those stereotypes are perpetuated from 2 souces: the Asian American model minority myth which sprang from the 1960's and the derogatory and stereotypical 'exotic' portrayal of Asian women in Hollywood, media images, etc...Obviously these views are filtered through 'white racist perceptions.'

Little did I know that those has become 'stereotype threats' to me. In knowing this, I know that all of us have experienced this same thing. It has caused me to constantly and subconsciously 'live up' to being 'smart' because I totally reject the 'exotic' Asian female images which are racist and lies. So, I mount all this pressure and stress upon myself to do well to feel as if I have to be 'smart!' Why do that to myself? Right? As if, I don't do well already. It is not something that goes away overnight. It is an old 'wound' that I have finally been able to diagnose, uncover and heal starting now.

Through examining Claude Steele's 'stereotype threat' on students, I also understood myself as a student on the other side of the fence. Through these months, I used to give myself a hard time and felt going back to school in my 30's is 'the pits' but I really think now I am at a better stage in life to go back to school having had so much life experiences to reflect on. It is through them that I can have a dialogue with the educational research in relationship to myself and my students. And, I come to find peace with the idea that it is okay to aim for the "A" and it is okay to struggle with writing. And perhaps they don't have to be mutually exclusive.

Amid all this, this month, I came upon a talk by Ronald Takaki, a professor of Ethnic Studies at UC Berkeley. He said that he had to respond to a student's question that was perplexing at first but he knew the right message to pass on. It was this: 'Writing is a revoluntionary tool.' I became enthralled with this idea. It struck an inner chord with me. Prof. Takaki described himself as a 'surfer' kid from Hawaii who ultimately became a professor, an odd endeavor for himself. He said that the only way he could've done all that he had was because he perceived writing as a 'revoluntionary tool.' I am changed by his words. I never heard it expressed that way before. And, I was too engrossed with my own inner turmoil with writing that whatever external purpose writing seved was absent from my consciousness. Now, I have linked the pieces to the puzzle!

In fact, all of the writing papers that I had submitted to my professors in the month of April were to my surprise the best possible writing I had ever done, despite the 'struggle' of writing them. I discovered the outcome was different because I was different. I had uncovered the pieces within myself that had created the walls to writing. I just received a few papers back today. I felt extremely happy that I had tears in my eyes! It is a feeling of redemption to see an 'A' staring back at me. It is something that I do aim for but most of all I aim to produce good writing because I have not always been a good writer even in high school. One comment from one professor was: Very nicely written Paula! Your best piece this semester. It is thorough, critical, personal, and smartly written! - J
(4/13/09) And, I am about to send a copy of a 10-page paper to my god-father in Hong Kong who request for it because it was my first 'A' paper in my graduate studies! I still struggle with my writing and feel stress through it. But, now I know why and how I am this way. By knowing that, I feel I could move forward with improving my writing. I learned that it is not important to 'want' to do something but exploring why and how it is we want to do it is the first step in getting that something to work for us.

Looking ahead in the last 4 weeks of the semester, I have 2 journal writings due THUR, 3 research projects due mid and late May in which each project require 12+ pages of writing, 1 more collaborative project titled 'Conditions Facing African-American Students in Schools' for next THUR, 3 more Analyses Papers, and 2 more journal writings due late May! I will make it through. And, I'm starting to believe and activate 'writing as a revolutionary tool' to change external conditions related to society and the internal desire to express my thoughts to create a discourse on education. Writing becomes a community of dialogue among people. For the first time, I truly see and understand why and how writing means such a great deal to me. By fine-tuning my own writing, I hope that will be a strength as a teacher to my future students.

Next time I hope to share my paper 'Bi-lingual and Language Learning' to you all. This was the one that I wrote with a little more ease because the topic is so personal. I cried when I received this paper back and someday when I will look back on it, i think I will still cry. ;-)

So, I am dancing with the wind. What comes to your path, whether they are meant to uncover old wounds in order to move forward or receiving the right information (like Claude Steele's research or Ronald Takaki's talk), there are deep mysteries in life. If I could take away from graduate school one thing - it would be that I finally know how and why I write, and it becomes even more meaningful than I had ever thought. Thanks for reading!